I’ve always considered myself fairly vanilla, especially when compared to some of my kinkier blog friends. Until last night, I had hardly ever ventured past having my hair pulled or being lightly restrained. The more I’ve learned about myself and my sexuality, the more I’ve craved to know the feeling of being dominated. I’ve quietly desired to be spanked, flogged, tied up, and forced (willingly, of course) to completely submit.

Last night was the start of it all. A playful suggestion of “I’m going to bend you over the bed, go get that crop, and spank you hard” was all it took. I feigned a slight disinterest, although willingness, with a simple “okay, then do it.” In my head I was excited. This was something we had never done before, that I quietly, and sometimes unknowingly, yearned for. With the first slap of the leather crop, I knew this is what I had been waiting for. Slap. I took it quietly, bent over with my ass in the air. Slap. He would rub my ass as it slowly and beautifully turned red. Slap. Just a little harder each time. Slap. With my eyes closed, and my mind wandering off into a place of oblivion, I knew why so many people liked this. Slap. I rolled over quickly, a mindless reaction. He smiled at me, sensing my obvious enjoyment.

I fell in love with kink last night. My mind was freed, and I focused on nothing other than him and me. The trust I had for him and the love I felt was almost overwhelming. This… this is why people must like this so much, I thought to myself. I know I won’t become a full-time submissive, it’s just not in my nature, but I enjoy this sexual aspect of myself and our relationship. I’ve already begun craving more, looking at floggers and paddles, adding them to my wishlist in hopes of having them soon. I feel like a new world opened itself up to me, and I can’t help but be excited for the things I’ll soon discover.

There will be no TMI Tuesday this week, since all of my answers to the questions could be summed up with “nope” and how boring is that?

In other news, I’m working on something exciting that should be announced within the next few weeks. I also have a fun review, complete with video, that will be published in the next few days. Keep an eye out!

After a long hiatus, I’m proud to announce HNT is finally back.

To check out everyone else’s HNT’s please visit Os over at Views From the Back Row!

You know those little bio boxes you have to fill in on a websites like Twitter? I hate those. It’s always hard for me to explain who I am and what I’m about without seeming either boring or narcissistic, so usually I just leave them blank. In a world full of labels where everybody insists they don’t need to fit into neat little boxes, we sure seem to do it a lot, especially when it comes to sexuality. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, queer, straight, gay, lesbian, femme, butch, monogamous, polyamorous, and the list goes on and on. These labels exist as a way to help us define ourselves (or, more often, as a way for others to define us), and become a part of us even when we don’t want to be limited by them.

So where do I fit into all of these labels? That question has been a struggle for me lately, but also a wonderful learning experience. There are times where I feel like I didn’t fit in with other sex bloggers, for numerous reasons. After all, I’m completely monogamous, mostly vanilla, and before discovering sex blogs I had never given a second thought to my own gender identity. On paper it seems as if I am completely out of my element, so what the hell am I even doing here?

Being exposed to people with different view points and lifestyles has not only taught me a lot about them, but has also allowed me to learn a lot about myself. I don’t ever see myself having a threesome or opening up my relationship, but I also respect those who have the ability to love/fuck/whatever without those limits. While I can’t say I’m anywhere near as kinky as many of my fellow bloggers, I do enjoy a hand around my throat or a sharp tug on my hair during sex. I’ve started to become more aware of my submissive nature, especially in my sexuality. Since I’m generally very in control of my day-to-day life, I had never fully recognized that side of myself.

So even though sometimes I feel boring and wonder why anyone would even want to read what I have to say, I’m going to keep doing this. I am going to stop caring about how other people perceive me, and just put myself out there. No sugar-coating, no bullshit, just me.

So I’m up late and it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to sleep anytime soon, so I thought it might be a good time to share a little bit about M, previously referred to as the boy. He’s been brought up before, and there’s no doubt he’ll be brought up again.

M and I met while I was in high school. He was the good-looking ladie’s man, and I didn’t think I had a shot in hell. M had a bad boy reputation and proved it to be true with his party boy ways. We friended each other on Myspace, and for a year rarely talked besides a few comments here and there.

Jump forward a few months. I had a brief fling with M’s friend (scandelous, right?) which ended casually. We all remained friends, running into one another at random places. M and I ran into each other at a mutual friend’s house one night, and I still believed he was way out of my league. Somehow we started hanging out more and more frequently, and the relationship slowly became more than platonic.

Three weeks after M and I officially began dating, he left for military basic training. He was gone for a total of six months, during which I only saw him once. Surprisingly, I believe this was a blessing in disguise. Those months apart allowed us to build a connection that wasn’t solely based on physical attraction, which is definitely one of the reasons we’ve lasted this long.

The year after M returned is just a big blur to me now. It was full of fighting, infidelity, drinking, lying, exploring sexual boundries, and growing up. I would never want to re-live that year, but I learned a lot about relationships and even more about myself.

This past year has been one of amazing growth. M admitted to his past infidelities, which crushed me to the core and lifted a weight off of our relationship at the same time. Things hadn’t been good between us for some time, and it didn’t surprise me to hear what had happened. I had known it all along, but honestly never thought I would hear the truth from him. We broke up for a few months, and both thought a lot about whether our relationship could ever work and if it was even worth a try.

During our break-up M went to rehab for alcoholism. His addiction was a huge part of the reason our relationship wasn’t working. Since he’s been back, we’ve slowly been rebuilding a relationship. Things are much better now that drinking isn’t dictating his time or actions. He realizes that there is a lot of damage to repair and has stepped up to the plate, much to my surprise.

There are times I get frustrated and feel like giving up, but I think that is just me being scarred that he is going to slip back into old habits. Sometimes I find myself worrying that the past will repeat itself, only to have him surprise me with his efforts to become not only a better boyfriend, but a better person.

I truly love and respect M, even though I do not love and respect everything he’s done in the past. Every day he shows me that there is nothing that cannot be overcome. I do not know what the future holds for us, but I am a lucky girl to have had somebody like him in my life.

Beautiful Dreamer was kind enough to interview me. If you would like me to interview you, please read the instructions at the end of this post!

What are three things you do that drive your partner absolutely insane?
I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer, so I cheated and asked him. Here are his answers:

1. When I doubt him
2. When I get mad and ignore him and/or don’t tell him that I’m mad and need my space (Although, in my opinion, this is much better than how I used to get when I was mad. I would say mean things just to get a reaction out of him. I’m slowly getting better about how I handle frustration/anger, and I’m continuing to work on it.)
3. When I come over and fall asleep really early (I can’t help it! I’m a busy girl, and his bed is just so comfortable.)

Your blog is pretty new- any hot topics we can look forward to reading?
Hmm… hot topics… I don’t have anything planned just yet. Definitely open to ideas though! [Actually I would love ideas. I need ideas! Please don't make me beg...]

Worst sex disaster you’ve had thus far?
Oh goodness. It had to be when I was 16 or so- I had already “officially” lost my virginity, although things only went so far due to the pain involved on my end. I was at a co-worker’s party, and this boy with gorgeous eyes (another co-worker) showed up. Let me just say- we were both drunk enough as it was. Rebellious teenagers… Somehow we got pushed (well- I got pushed, literally pushed) into a room together. Things moved fast and we attempted sex- just wasn’t going happen. It HURT! So we just completely stopped everything. After that, I believe he went outside and threw up. We had to work together the next day, and he didn’t even remember what had happened. Looking back now, I’m pretty glad that he didn’t.

What would your present day self say to yourself when you were 13? 18?
I would tell my 13 year old self not to push myself too hard academically. I completely overdid it with the advanced classes in junior high and high school, and ended up burning out by my junior year. If I had been a little easier on myself, I probably wouldn’t have lost all interest in school when it counted the most, and things may have turned out a little differently.

I would tell my 18 year old self never to smoke pot again. I wasn’t a stoner by any means, and I’m glad I never did any other drugs, but I still wish I had stopped in high school. If I had stopped at 18 things would be easier career-wise now (the field I want to go into takes past drug use into consideration when hiring). [Side note: I quit completely at 19, but that year makes all the difference.]

You’ve just found a million dollars. You have to spend in a month. What do you do with it?
Well that’s easy!

• Buy a house
• Pay off all of my debt
• Buy an Infiniti G35 Coup
• Treat myself and the boy to a European vacation
• Pay off my parents’ mortgage
• Buy every sex toy I’ve ever wanted
• Buy each of my fellow bloggers their most-desired sex toy
• Donate to the ASPCA
• Invest the rest for my retirement (that counts as spending, right?)

Thank you for the questions Beautiful Dreamer!

Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.