I’ve always considered myself fairly vanilla, especially when compared to some of my kinkier blog friends. Until last night, I had hardly ever ventured past having my hair pulled or being lightly restrained. The more I’ve learned about myself and my sexuality, the more I’ve craved to know the feeling of being dominated. I’ve quietly desired to be spanked, flogged, tied up, and forced (willingly, of course) to completely submit.

Last night was the start of it all. A playful suggestion of “I’m going to bend you over the bed, go get that crop, and spank you hard” was all it took. I feigned a slight disinterest, although willingness, with a simple “okay, then do it.” In my head I was excited. This was something we had never done before, that I quietly, and sometimes unknowingly, yearned for. With the first slap of the leather crop, I knew this is what I had been waiting for. Slap. I took it quietly, bent over with my ass in the air. Slap. He would rub my ass as it slowly and beautifully turned red. Slap. Just a little harder each time. Slap. With my eyes closed, and my mind wandering off into a place of oblivion, I knew why so many people liked this. Slap. I rolled over quickly, a mindless reaction. He smiled at me, sensing my obvious enjoyment.

I fell in love with kink last night. My mind was freed, and I focused on nothing other than him and me. The trust I had for him and the love I felt was almost overwhelming. This… this is why people must like this so much, I thought to myself. I know I won’t become a full-time submissive, it’s just not in my nature, but I enjoy this sexual aspect of myself and our relationship. I’ve already begun craving more, looking at floggers and paddles, adding them to my wishlist in hopes of having them soon. I feel like a new world opened itself up to me, and I can’t help but be excited for the things I’ll soon discover.

You know those little bio boxes you have to fill in on a websites like Twitter? I hate those. It’s always hard for me to explain who I am and what I’m about without seeming either boring or narcissistic, so usually I just leave them blank. In a world full of labels where everybody insists they don’t need to fit into neat little boxes, we sure seem to do it a lot, especially when it comes to sexuality. Dominant, submissive, kinky, vanilla, queer, straight, gay, lesbian, femme, butch, monogamous, polyamorous, and the list goes on and on. These labels exist as a way to help us define ourselves (or, more often, as a way for others to define us), and become a part of us even when we don’t want to be limited by them.

So where do I fit into all of these labels? That question has been a struggle for me lately, but also a wonderful learning experience. There are times where I feel like I didn’t fit in with other sex bloggers, for numerous reasons. After all, I’m completely monogamous, mostly vanilla, and before discovering sex blogs I had never given a second thought to my own gender identity. On paper it seems as if I am completely out of my element, so what the hell am I even doing here?

Being exposed to people with different view points and lifestyles has not only taught me a lot about them, but has also allowed me to learn a lot about myself. I don’t ever see myself having a threesome or opening up my relationship, but I also respect those who have the ability to love/fuck/whatever without those limits. While I can’t say I’m anywhere near as kinky as many of my fellow bloggers, I do enjoy a hand around my throat or a sharp tug on my hair during sex. I’ve started to become more aware of my submissive nature, especially in my sexuality. Since I’m generally very in control of my day-to-day life, I had never fully recognized that side of myself.

So even though sometimes I feel boring and wonder why anyone would even want to read what I have to say, I’m going to keep doing this. I am going to stop caring about how other people perceive me, and just put myself out there. No sugar-coating, no bullshit, just me.